For the first time in a very long time, Musyoka Ngui documents exclusive tricks, intrigues and games that define Kenya’s secondary education system. He goes back in time to reveal what national examiners failed to do and up to now do not seem to decipher why they are always beaten by the clever and may be academically stupid students. Can’t old dogs learn new tricks? Are the dynamics too fast to catch up with?

Sit pretty and enjoy this nail-biting show.

Script By: Musyoka Ngui

Executive Producer: Robert Onyango

Director: Martin Wangari

Executive Director: Frankline Momanyi Nyaboga

Floor Manager: Robert Onyango

Make Up: Nelson Wagita

GAMES STUDENTS PLAY

Scene 1

(A Hi School. The curtain opens with forth form learners who are waiting for their graduating exam. Day Zero is sitting rehearsal day. The supervisor and the invigilators are in the house. The principal is making sure that everything runs smoothly. The students are being taken through exam administration rules.)

Principal: Good morning dear candidates!

Students: Good morning sir!

Principal: It is my pleasure to invite the supervisor to address you.  But before him, let me make my brief remarks. I expect you to concentrate and be keen on the presentation so that you do not blame yourself tomorrow at the KZSE. No cheating. If you are caught you will be on your own. KNYC examiners will be vigilant as police detectives. They are watching every move you make. Any wrong move will cost you your arm and leg. Be warned! With those brief remarks, let me welcome Mr. Sungura and his team to address the Class of 2013. Thanks! (The audience claps and welcomes the new speaker)

Mr. Sungura:  Thank you Mwalimu. Students, we are honored to serve you today. We are not here to intimidate you. Neither are we here to harden your life. As long as you do the right, you will be on the safe side. (He takes them through the examination rules and regulations. Soon the session is over and all dismiss)

Scene 2

(Students react)

Jim: Aaah! Maze hiki kisupervisor kinatukazia sana. Yaani wasee wakae one meter apart north, east, west and south?  

Carol: Ati hawatuoni poa. Nani amesema si hucopy teo? I hate them all. F**k them. F**k U!

Larry: Talking of f***king jueni teo imetungoja tangu kidato moja. Imebao na tukirelax itatuf***k!

Tina: Jim si ukona mpango ya power. Toa mpango. (Psyches up to release tension of exam phobia)

Jim: Tulieni! Hush! Shhhh! (Removes his mwakx) Unaona hii mwakx? Nitaisunda kwa ngotha na niifunge na blanda. Watatufrisk but hawataiona. Tukishaingia, afta exam ianze nidai naendesha, nifike toile niichomoe pap! Nicopypaste na nitokezee. Nini ingine? Si stori itakuwa imedie?

All: Hakuna!  Ishakuwa. (Hi five and cheers)

Carol: Me msinione ivo. My body is my business and invigilators should MTOB. Yaani they Mind Their Own Business. I will not allow male invigilators to touch me inappropriately or suggestively.

Larry: What do you mean? Ngoso nayo!

Carol: Nimejitatoo boobs, thighs and upper arms. Nikishaketi hapo kwa kona side ya mlango near the diro, ni kuunbuttonna kulift tu. Ata du?

Tina: What if he comes and orders u 2 undress your hidden parts ili aone hiyo umeandika?

Carol: Then I will scream bloody rape! Help! Help! Help! Am being raped!

Tina: Na CCTV cameras zenye waliinstall juzi?

Jim: Kwani uko nyuma aje kama by election ya 2013? Hizo tushazivandalize kitambo na tuna deal ya kuzikinda tao kwa broker fulani Down Town.

Tina: Mind you tushascrub lockers na exam room was recently repainted and refurbished. Will you get anywhere to write? Nitawasema kwanza.

Jim and Carol: Jaribu kuwa nice gal. Utajipendekeza kwa KNYC but tukiachwa na wewe tutakuchinja. We will brand you with a hot iron rod like a cow. Zile glass tulivunja juzi tym ya strike zitatumiwa kukutorture. Mwakenya suspects za 80’s zilipelekwa Nyayo House but za siku hizi ndizo zitapeleka informers kwa kichinjio. Risk at your own peril.

Scene 3

(Actual exam day. No much activity as it is hard to copy Math Paper 1 and 2. Students behave well and invigilators have started patting them in the back)

Scene 4

(All ringleaders present. The rest of the class is oblivious of what the top schemers are up to. Each has a surprise card they would pull at the opportune time. It is History Paper 1; pure theory and memory.)

Invigilator 1(Male): I will frisk the boys and you screen the girls.

Invigilator 2(Female): Why don’t you do the girls and I do the boys? Gender equality style.

Invigilator 1: No. They may refuse and protest the more. You just frisk the girls and I do the boys.

Invigilator 2: Sawa. Let’s get started. In case of anything I shall call you. (All the students line up for the frisking at the door. They are ordered to remove their shoes, wallets, bets and ties.)

Jim: This is unfair! Wasee eeh! Wasee aahh!  Sis wanoma sana. No inspection! After all kwani kuna evidence ya stealing hapa? Wamepata nani so far? Si mao na ngoso tulidu vipoa?

Larry, Carol and Tina: Power! Power! Hapo umeongea kama wasee kumi.

Jim: Ata si kumi ni mia. Makofi kwangu. (Laughs)

(None of the candidates is nabbed at the door with irregularities. Exam papers are distributed and soon the exam kicks off)

Scene 5

(Most of the candidates are immersed in exam. The invigilators are looking right, left and center. Others are peeping through the cracks and windows from the outside)

Tina: Shhh! Nitakusema hebu acha kucopy apo. What were you doing all those four years?

Jim: Jinga. Si useme unadhani utaongezewa marks? Nkt! Mschew! *@#$%&

Larry: Manze chunga invigilators ziko randa. Pia makarao apo nje wako ngori. Zuia noma. Pole pole.

(Invigilator 1 flies and lands on Jim’s desk. Begs him to surrender the paper he is copying from)

Jim: (Swallows the paper. The paper is stuck in his throat): Zi! Achana na mimi. Umeniona? (He coughs as tears roll down his cheeks as he tries to swallow the stuck bolus of paper)

Carol: (Hits Jim hard on the back. The bolus of mwakx flies from Jim’s mouth to the floor, full of saliva and thoroughly wet. Jim realizes that the paper may nail him for cheating in the exam and rushes to the ground and swallows it again. All are stunned. The police rushes to the scene with guns and fires in the air. Confusion ensues. Soon the situation returns to normal)

Carol: (unbuttons her blouse to get sneak peak of the literature she has tattooed he boobs with. She fishes out a leaf from her bra and copies. Eats it up. The tattooed answers seem to tally with what is in the question paper.)

Carol’s thoughts: “I told you so. Si ni wazi? Hiyo lika imegonga ndipo ka msumari. Hiyo histo ni A. A+ nikainguka sana ama waundermark. I know Larry wherever you are you are smiling. Si utaningawia ile loot tulicollect kwa maforth ili tuwaletee leakage? Sawa mzeiya?! LOL!”

Invigilator 2: (Pointing at Carol) Mr. Supervisor, that girl is nodding alone. Kwani anaongea na shetani?

Supervisor: Since I am male I cannot touch her. Even African taboos don’t allow fathers to go to their daughter’s bedrooms. They may find them naked. You just ask her.

Invigilator 2: No! You are the supervisor. Remember you are fully in charge.

Supervisor: Ok. Let me do it. (He goes and threatens to order Carol to undress her top and her micro skirt – where the rest of the literature is embedded.)

Carol: Wooiii! Woooiii! Wooooiiii! Help me mom! Police! Naomba serikali iingilie. This is a gross violation of fundamental human right of privacy. UN mko? How can you allow me to be raped in the broad daylight? Shame! (All the candidates stand up and protest throwing chairs and exam materials. They start shouting Haki Yetu and carry Carol shoulder high outside to “rescue” her. Exam stops dramatically.)

Principal: (Calling the DEO): Bwana Mkubwa!, Come! Emergency!

To be continued

Curtain

Disclaimer: This script does not in any way endorse any exam malpractice. In fact it just highlights the ways in which candidates steal their way to success hoping that the relevant stakeholders will contain the malpractice and restore honor and credibility in our national examinations.

To the candidates of Class of 2013:  Chuka University Theatre and Arts Club wishes you success and Good Luck in your tests. Cheers!