How to get out of the friendzone

How to get out of the friendzone

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here is nothing as bad as always being very close but you have never been actually there.

BY MUSYOKA NGUI

There’s a plethora of Woman To Woman talk. The How To beat men in the workplace, scale the ladder, break the glass ceiling and generally blaming men on their failures. And so the relationship therapists have been kind in doling out “working” tips and tricks that will keep him in check. The rule book is continuously updated to match the complexities of today’s man who is essentially a moving target that cannot be pinned down with myths and propaganda. Do these people-the feminist crusaders- research or just hand out advice without prior knowledge of the same?

Now that is out of the way. I stumbled upon a well-written piece in The Standard’s  Crazy Monday aptly titled:  Girls, here’s how to ‘friend-zone’ nice guys you don’t want to date(February 8^th 2015).  If every woman in Kenya read it, it would drastically change relationships among adults as we know it. But Kenyans being pathetic readers from whom you can safely hide money among newspaper pages and be more secure than in a G4S guarded bank, I can safely place my last bet that few people-both men and women read it.  

The feature gave out tips that were aimed at extinction of men, using and dumping them at will and generally perpetuating a non-benefit affair skewed in favour of women. The writer, Duya Owuor claimed that the following tricks can work in helping women friendzone men:

1.      Dressing in unattractive clothing (read non-sexy; remember those Ng’ombe T-Shirts).

2.    Ignoring make up and grooming.

3.    Crashing a bachelor’s place unannounced.

4.    Projecting negative image of yourself such as breaking the wind in his presence, picking your nose, acting a social misfit.

5.     Looping him into your girly gossips.

6.    Acting as a tomboy.

7.     Calling him names such as “my friend, my brother, I see you as my father (if he is older enough)”.

After that the writer urged men to go back to the drawing board because apparently, men are not off the hook- just yet.

GIRLS LIKE BAD GUYS

Against the able writer’s advice I bring my help to the nice guy’s slavery in the friendzone. It is a curse to be nice to girls and women of today. No wonder they like bad guys. First, nice guys come off as blindly in love and vulnerable to exploitation. He may be your typical gentleman who opens the door for her girl to disembark from the car he bought her “out of love”. He may be the guy who is so forwardly thinking that he washes dishes, cooks and offers to sacrifice everything in the false believe that actions speak louder than words. He lives in a bubble that one day his hopes will be fulfilled. That the carrots he has been dangling will yield the prey he has been chasing at a cost of both arms and legs.

Nice guys have a good sense of humour, are “loving and caring”, have a knack of thinking by their hearts without consulting their heads which are supposedly intelligent since they are good conversationalists who wow their crushes with polished thoughts bordering on genius and philosophy.

Guys, let me answer the writer and offer you tips of how to get out of the friendzone, - for free.

MILKED DRY

First, the moment you realize she is in the relationship for her won strategic benefits, run for the hills man. She is just selfishly milking you and will drop you when your money and other resources are milked dry.

There are telling signs of a woman friendzoning you. For instance, she will dismiss your advances for a sexual relationship. She would rather remain just friends with you since she is “not ready” to settle down. She will flatter you that you are too good for her. Don’t believe her. If you are too good why doesn’t she make the move?

Never take a woman for an investment unless she is your wife. Cases are well documented of men who insanely and madly fell in love with women only to pay for their higher education while the man’s kin are languishing in grinding poverty and blissful ignorance. They were later dumped for more oiled men.

Know your priorities. Know what you want. If you are in the relationship for short term fling courtesy of your spoiling her with gifts and money, once you are done cut the chase. Any more investment only drags you closer to the dreaded friendzone.

 The surest way to move out of the friendzone is using your head rather than your heart. Don’t act out of impulse. Think and weigh your options. Are you taking a loan to please her or it is the prudent thing to do? Go beyond the 5Ws and H and ask yourself who won and who lost. What is the “so what” of the whole relationship?  Are you being taken for a ride or you are getting a 50-50 deal? If in any situation you analyze you find out that you are the losing partner, quit and thank me later.

Do your own background check of the lass gravitating to you in the name of “just friends”. Is she a serial gold-digger? Has she conned others before you? Do you enjoy being used? Does it actually make you come out as a resourceful, helping and dependable person? Be honest, man. You cannot claim to love her so much that you ignore your siblings; parents and relatives whom you rush to when things go haywire and have never failed you unlike her.

It’s good to draw some rules and stick to them. Define basic tenets of your relationship. This will make you cut back on your irrational expectations and save you the painful heartbreak if you get jilted. There is nothing as bad as always being very close but you have never been actually there.

BLOATED AND BRUISED EGO

If you know for sure that the relationship is just for passing time you will awaken to the reality that she will never be yours no matter what. You will learn to accept and move on. If your ego is not easily bloated and bruised, you can live with the reality that you are just mere friends and nothing more. Most importantly, you will know that it is not to her that you should direct your demands to but look elsewhere.

Be true to yourself. Unless you are not straight no way will you enjoy girly gossips and derive pleasure on listening to graphic descriptions of menstruation and how many shoes she has coveted yet she hasn’t quite brought herself to buying them without catching the hint that the conversation was a point of information that you are supposed to start saving for her in order to bag those heels.

A real man loses interest in shopping stuff, gets uncomfortable with cheap and baseless gossips and does not contribute to them unless he is defending himself about adverse claims which are of course sensationally fabricated to establish where his real loyalty stands in the tough times. Don’t budge. Take it cool and comfortably handle each case as they come.

Lose temper and you will regret your stupid actions and decisions.

Make use of your eyes. That is why God put them in front of your face. Trust me, when a girl is transitioning from a crush to a catch, some things will have to be reconfigured and you are the target of those new settings.  Observe if she has scaled down on calling you, texting or joking or even record the number of visits she pays, unannounced “surprises” or otherwise as well as original sins which she won’t own up. Don’t apologize on her behalf lest you breed impunity and blame game inside your already on-rocks relationship.

AVOID BLACKMAIL

If she doesn’t come clean, take a hard stand as long as you are standing on the truth. You will not be blackmailed. Better still she will know that you are not easily duped like the rest she has fooled.

They say nice guys finish last. Don’t be a victim of being boxed into the corner of friendzone. Men have a rude way of cutting connections like a Kenya Power blackout. While you are drifting away from the friendzone you will adopt some tricks. They could be common sensual, tactical, and at times borrowed from your experience, instinct and intuition. Disappear without a trail.

By the way one of the reasons why a girl would rather keep you as a “just a friend” is to avoid hurting your feelings given your ego. Don’t crash hers either.

But I don’t advise you keep the hope burning, as it were, thinking and wet dreaming that things will change in your favour in future. If they had not ripened all that time you’d waited what makes you think the future is bright? It makes both economic sense and social sense to move out of the friendzone. Good luck bro while you are at it. And don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The writer is a blogger at musyokangui.blogspot.com and a Fourth Year Communication and Media student at Chuka University.