Clash of Civilizations

CLASH OF CIVILIZATIONS

Special Edition: Cultural Week. Starring guest appearances by Chuka University Model Brenda Njeri

Historians contend that the most monumental discovery ever in the evolution of man is the invention of fire. Save for domestication, man has redefined the art of cooking by use of fire. There before he used to eat raw meat, drink blood and plenty of water. Cave life is it? Is it not? This skit centers on Hillary who is caught up in the fierce clash of civilizations- the old and new cultures of eating.

Skit by Musyoka Ngui

(Linda, Hillary’s mother teaches her how to prepare traditional food. How to winnow, sift and sort millet all the way to the end product: porridge.)

Hillary: Nimeleta maji mama.

Linda: Sawa. Sasa nenda ukachote kilo mbili za mawele kwa gunia ulete nikuonyeshe. ( Hillary does so)

Linda: You see now these small stones are put under bigger one. You kneel down and crash the millet into small particles. Then you repeat the process until the powder is fine.

Hilllary: But mom si mikono yangu itakauka sana. Nitakuwa na blisters. Tena that stone is too heavy for me. Kitambo nimalize nitakuwa na back pains, shoulder pains, neck pains and chest pains.

Linda: But my daughter you have to do this. Soon you are going to get married. Who will cook for your husband? Is it the house help?

Hillary: I’ll be working class and afford to buy ready food. Siku hizi we eat in the hotels. No. It is not the hotels but 5 Star restaurants. Where you eat ambience, appetizers and by the time you touch the main meal you are full.

Linda: So you cannot drink the porridge?

Hillary: Zi, si hivyo . I mean our eating habits and yours are completely different. Excuse me mom, I was to see my suitor in the next hour. If you don’t mind I will check in later for more culinary lessons.

( One hour later. Harry, Hillary’s suitor is seated at the VIP section of Serene Hotel. He is impatient. He checks his watch, picks his phone, fidgets and clasps his car keys between his fingers. He scratches his head.)

Harry: Will she ever come or I was duped. Two whole hours of waiting and no one shows up. Surely! I will cancel this date ( Bangs the table unconsciously in a fit of rage. Hillary has been observing him all this time and sneaks in , approaches him from behind and close his eyes with her hands.)

Hillary: Guess ni nani?

Harry: Aw oh ah!

Hillary: Ati ni nani?

Harry: That must be Hillary. I know her perfume and her tender hands. That I am cocksure.

Hillary: You got it. I thought you would say someone else. Another girl….

Harry: Si you know you are the only one… anyway welcome and let’s enjoy ourselves. (The waiter approaches them to take their orders.)

Waiter: Hi! Mnakula nini?

Harry: Kwanza leta maji ya matunda. Delmonte. (To Hillary) Baby utakula nini?

Hillary: Chips

Waiter: Hiyo hatuna.

Hillary: Na sossi?

Waiter; Hata hiyo haiko.

Hillary: Leta na kadhalika basi. Nkt! Kwani what is wrong with your menu?

Waiter: We cook such foods on special orders. Fast foods are perishable and they don’t stay at the fringe for long. They wither fast like flowers losing their cute smell in the process and replacing it with poignant poison. Heck! That is hell.

Harry: Waiter, what you will do is just go away for a while we shall call you when we decide. (Waiter does as asked.)

Hillary: Honey, aki this waiter is so down. Kwani what does she cook? Gosh! She makes me lose my appetite.

Harry: Don’t mind her. Utakula chapatti kuku we order that one?

Hillary: Yeah. Because you have suggested it I won’t object.

Harry: They say love is about similarities: uniformity even when dining (Hurriedly, the waiter takes the orders and returns with the food)

Hillary: Baby can I use the ladies?

Harry: It is OK. But hold on! You are so gorgeous when you stand. That dress is like it was created with you. (Hillary laughs)

Hillary: Thank you. Lakini ukisema hivyo about provisional results only na stronghold ikileta votes zake utasemaje? Let me go I will be back shortly. But remember strongholds bado. Bado Tharaka Nithi haijaleta matokeo Bomas. ( Hillary turns to face towards the loo. She goes marching majestically like a queen)

Harry: Wow! This woman was created by God after lunch. So proportionate, symmetrical and balanced. Watu wengine (Points at the waiter using his tongue) waliumbwa na changarawe: ugly and unsightly. (To waiter) Boss, leta maji na chumvi na uache kuzumbaa ivo. (Harry continues fantasizing)

Harry:( Thinking out loud) The contours, the curves, cleavage and figure 8 is just what I‘d asked for. Look at the dashboard. Mbele iko sawa. Hata haihitaji wiper. Na sitting allowance nayo jo! Round and tight. ( Audience  applauds as Hillary returns from the restroom. Harry removes Hillary’s photo from his breast pocket and hugs it. Sings.)

Ukilala lala salama,

Kumbatia picha yangu,

Matatizo chuki na wahma,

Vumilia mpenzi wangu,

Kumbatai picha yangu*2

Hillary: Who is sleeping? I thought we were eating. Let’s eat first. Mambo ya vote tallying ni baadaye Bomas si KICC this time round. Na ukicheza certificate iende nitangaze mshindi after swearing in.  But if you play by the rules of the game be assured that you will get full official results of all your imaginations.

Harry: Ati what?

Hillary: You heard me.

Harry: Your words are so sweet. Repeat pls. I cannot trust my ears and mouth lest I misquote you.

(To be continued)

(Curtain)