Forgiveness is not forgetting

Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is remembering writes Musyoka Ngui

“Forgiveness is not forgetting; it is actually remembering-remembering and not using your right to hit back. It is a second chance for a new beginning. And remembering part is particularly important. Especially if you do not want to repeat what happened. ”- Archbishop Desmond Tutu-  Nobel Laureate and former South African Truth and Reconciliation Chair.

We have all had relationships. Good and bad relationships. Any relationship whether business or romantic involves two or more parties. These parties often have conflicts. It is how we manage such conflicts that determine the destiny of our relationships for better or for worse.

When we were kids we would fight. Sibling rivalry was rife.  We would pick up a fight from toys, sweets, and clay when constructing model houses as kids. Our work would stall and get physical. Only after our parents noticing one with red eyes or limping limb would we explain what went wrong.

We would start: Ni yeye! (It is him). No it is him. This would put our mom in a dilemma when determining who was speaking the truth and who was lying. She would cane both of us the aggressor and the offended. That was democracy of then. Mom did not want to show that she was lenient to one son. Both children were economical with truth. None came clean.

In the end, she would retort: Mwambie pole(say sorry). And you! Us kids forgot the lesson quickly no wonder the process repeated as soon as the conflict was resolved.

Now come to think of grown folks –people with brains, understanding, knowledge and wisdom yet they still do their affairs as kids. They forget fast. They blame one another and yet still do their things as toddlers who need a big brother to ensure fair play. No matter the level of the conflict, sobriety is needed. Being able to put yourself in the shoes of the offended party and accepting that you are wrong. Neither I nor my brother acknowledged that we made mistakes. We were chest thumpers. We thought it would make us less man. We were arrogant. We were full of ourselves. Grandstanding and counting who will blink first.

That was ignorance. Being unable to decipher that accepting blame is the first step to healing especially if you are the aggressor. Once one accepts the blame they are then supposed to see it to that the mistake does not recur again deliberately. Repeating a mistake in the pretense that you will be forgiven is an abuse to the patience and tolerance of the offended party.

This brings me to the next aspect of forgiveness: sincerity. Do not just say something, mean it. Walk the talk. Some people go ahead to make it up to others. I don’t know whether to call it emotional bribery or desire to be in good terms. Such people wrong you and feel that apologizing is not enough. They buy you something like lunch or a drink. While one would understand that if the act been regretted has caused another some physical harm the offender ought to recoup the loss by treating the other party well. Say I have deliberately cut your finger. I should take you to hospital. It should come from me not a reminder or a legal persuasion that I am being pushed to implement.

The above should not be confused with revenge. Revenge is when the offended party hits back in order to get even. Two wrongs do not make a right. It is a fallacy that tit for tat is a fair game. Mahatma Gandhi indeed said that tit for tat will lead to the whole world being blind.

Revenge escalates a conflict. It is not something that should be done when there are a million viable alternatives to pursue. Like having a dialogue. Communication cures many broken relationships. All relationships fall and rise with communication or lack of it.

In the political circles they call it consultation. The consultations come with terms and conditions. These ifs, buts and what ifs anchor the agreement. People approach dialogue table with doubt and skepticism. I would advise anyone to have an open mind and not jumping into prejudgment. The Memorandum of Understanding (MoU) you write and sign is a tool of trust. I should be able to have faith in you that you will keep your part of the bargain. Unfortunately, those who have been hurt long ago deleted the word trust in their dictionary and substituted it with doubt plus fear as its synonym.

Once you have been forgiven you should do anything and everything that is humanely possible to be faithful to the conditions that bind you. After all, the trust, the MoU, the vow and the swearing that you do will be meaningless if they are violated.

Methinks no one is too bad to be grudged neither is there a sin that is too red to be pardoned. It behooves the offended party to give the aggressor a second chance. It is also the duty of the aggressor to utilize the chance because an opportunity is a moment. It comes and goes. If you don’t capitalize on the moment do not cry over spilt milk.

Timeliness is an important aspect in forgiveness. Imagine you step on my toe and a half an hour later you come to say sorry. It that not a lazy joke or insult to my mental faculties? Apologies should come in the heels of mistakes.  That ways they are more acceptable and believable.

Still on time, remembering is paramount in reconciliation. Remembering that you have learnt a lesson from the experience and not being a fool to always learn from experiences. Learning from experience is painful. It can even take your life regardless on which side of the conflict you are in. This is not to say when you forgive somebody you keep reminding them that you did them a favour. No. The remembrance is on the part of the forgiven. Be grateful that someone has forgiven you debt of sin. When is done even God is happy and forgives the aggressor too.

Dawa ya moto si moto ni maji. If a building catches fire you don’t add more fuel, you extinguish the fire by water. Such is the situation when the standoff is resolved amicably. The devil is ashamed. When you love your enemy, they will think why they are being given a lease of life. They will reflect and eventually see the light.

Since relationships and conflicts have differences, it is not something to mourn about. It is a recipe for toasting champagne. Similarity bores. Some people just want to be different in exercise of their creativity. In the process they may end up hurting you. Forgive them, tomorrow it may be you. Diversity is the child of differences. And differences show how unique we are. Thus differences should urge us to celebrate our diversity and embrace variety.

The writer is a 3^rd year student of Bachelors of Arts Degree in Communication and Media at Chuka University. He also blogs at musyokangui.blogspot.com